Get Off The Pot

I just watched a fascinating (yawn) “debate” on CNN’s flagship program of journalistic integrity, (tee hee) AC 360, starring that latter day Walter Cronkite-wannabe, Anderson Cooper, (man, I just can’t figure out why that guy doesn’t have a Pulitzer Prize, or, at least a “Pull it, surprise!” by now) about whether marijuana should be legalized as California’s RINO Governor Ahh-nold Schwartzenegger suggests.  The combatants (debatants?) were two guys chosen for stereotype, whose names I purposely did not catch; there was a liberal elite, youngish, kinda cute, bespectacled Harvard professor “pro-” guy, and a middle-aged, FBI desk jockey-type “con-” guy.  As you might expect, the “con-” cop-type guy just wouldn’t shut up about gateway drugs, violence, bogus crime statistics, and Cheech and Chong movies, and the hottie prof kept calling him a stupid liar in terms that likely went over the cop guy’s (and, probably Cooper’s, too.  AC180, perhaps?) head.

Now, before we go further, let me admit that, in my day, I have smoked my share of recreational Mary Jaweeny.  In fact, I have probably smoked your share, your family’s, friends’, neighbors’, pets’, most of the people you used to like but can’t stand now, and the seating capacity of Yankee Stadium’s share, too.  However, about 10 years ago, I grew weary of drooling on my jeans and Army jacket while chewing untold numbers of Snickers bars and Twinkies slowly, as I giggled sexily (or, so I thought) in a lazy, laidback manner, at Gilligan’s thwarted efforts to get off an island likely a few miles from the tropic port where he, the Skipper and 5 passengers set off from on their fateful trip, and, quit.  Too many nights of tearful paranoid bargaining with the Lord to “please, oh God, pleeeeease, Dear Sweet Jesus, let me come down and don’t take me now” in return for never, ever again consuming one two twenty tokes too many of particularly sticky, sparkly, aromatic bud also contributed to my ultimate decision, but, I digress.

The point is, in my humble opinion, the “gateway drug leads to violent crime” dude was waaaay off his nut.  Pahhss de dutchie, mahn, and chill, why doncha?  First of all, the “gateway drug” everybody’s so high on (high, get it?) is not pot, or alcohol, or, even tobacco, which everybody I know who partook of de ‘erb did first,  but was probably, spinning around really fast in a circle when you were 2.  Same feeling, no munchies, and, you were apt to pass out soon after you stopped doing that, too.  Therefore, I say, legalize pot, ban spinning.  Might as well throw in merry-go-rounds, carousels, and Maypoles, too, just to be safe.

Next, I have personally never known a violent pot head.  I’ve known quite a few violent pot dealers, but, most of them sold other drugs, too, so I’m guessing the greed factor was likely the motivation for their angry outbursts and violent confrontations, since most of them had a really unreasonable and, in my opinion, excessive to the point of pathological, compulsion to seek remuneration for their wares and services.  Go figure.  So, it seems to me, if marijuana sale is legalized, the ones to watch would be the guys who run the head shops.  Might as well throw in pharmacists, too, again, just to be safe, since they have access to the good stuff, and their prices are off the charts.

Now, it is true that folks desirous of replenishing their stash might be tempted to resort to desperate measures to acquire somebody else’s stock, so, I’m not saying potheads are incapable of committing criminal acts.  Whether they could consummate the act without laughing, or forgetting just what it was, exactly, that they were supposed to be doing at that moment, are  issues to be considered separately.  However, since most of the ones I know had a fondness for communal imbibing, somebody is usually good for sharing a hit with a brother or sister temporarily less fortunate, forestalling most rash behavior before it starts.  Besides, a seller unwilling to indulge a pothead’s desperate demand for a “little sumpin’ sumpin’ til I get straight,” can most often just say “no,” or, “fuck, no,” and be done with it.  I would caution that such tactics are unlikely to be effective with meth, coke, or crack heads, so entrepreneurs in those fields might be well advised to invest in a shotgun, and be vigilantly on the lookout for butt-stuck, desk jockey cop-types.

Now, I don’t know if legal pot will increase state revenues and balance the budgets, or ease suffering, or diminish the burdens on the criminal justice system and decrease prison populations, or do any of the things proponents…propone.  What I do know is, the stuck butt, near retirement-age, desk jockey law enforcement-types with the big heads’ arguments against are wrong, lame, and whack like Whitney’s crack.