One of the dirtiest little secrets about abusers is how utterly nice they can appear to the world to be. Oftentimes, no one can believe that the handsome, charming, hail-fellow-well-met they know, love and admire can be a petty, vindictive, manipulating, asshole who beats his wife, or abuses family members, or seduces the children he coaches or mentors, or even sometimes, stalks, rapes, and kills strangers behind closed doors. Nope, not that guy, people say. He’s a clergyman, politician, teacher, doctor, volunteer, serviceman…fill in the blank, he could be that just as well as he could be unemployed, through no fault of his own, of course. Sometimes he even generates sympathy; poor guy, they say, too bad his accident-prone, loser wife drinks, his pre-pubescent teenager is a slut, his Little League team can’t seem to win. He’s so patient with them, he tries so hard, it’s a shame the people he loves always let him down.
Such men are masters of manipulation, adept at culling their victims from the “herd” of their families and friends, isolating and alienating them from those dedicated to protecting them, casting their “problems” as unfortunately self-generated. He loves them so much, you see. He can’t let them out of his sight. Who knows what they might do without him.
Nobody knows that such a guy’s wife is the most careful woman in the world, taking extraordinary pains to make sure things are always just the way he likes them, terrified that she will “fall down the stairs and into a door” if his dinner fork is a centimeter out of place, or her appearance doesn’t meet his approval, or a neighbor neglects to return his friendly wave. No, they blame his nubile young daughter for embodying the sexy allure of adolescence if ever unfounded allegations rear their ugly heads, and who could win Pop Warner football games when so many of his players seem just a little off? They all love him, don’t they? So, he spends hours away from home sometimes doing God knows what? So what? He’s entitled; he gives so much to his family, team, church, committees. And, whatever he keeps in his locked room is his business, isn’t it? A man deserves some privacy, some place he can call his own, doesn’t he?
He’s a saint.
When Rod Blagojevich announced today that he was going to fight the allegations against him, characterizing his troubles as attacks by his enemies, professing his loneliness, the media went into their predictable “who does this crazy guy think he is?” feeding frenzy. Nobody even considered that maybe, just maybe, his estranged “husband” in the political marriage of inconvenience he might have entered into once upon a time when it seemed mutually beneficial, just might be pulling the strings. Back when both parties harbored the same presidential dream, when marriage seemed prudent. Though there likely was never even a pretense of affection privately, there probably was wary respect, and hey, even if you make it before I do…whatever happens, it will be good for our family. Publicly, the union would have seemed to be made in Heaven. Until, gradually, stories would have begun to come out about the “wife’s” erratic behavior. Poor, put upon Mr. Sunshine would begin to notice the fluctuating liquor levels, the abundance of discarded pill bottles, the drop-off in his spouse’s professional and personal performance. What could possibly be wrong?
Publicly, the golden boy of the “marriage” would have continued to glow, untainted by even the hint of scandal, seemingly incapable of making even the tiniest misstep, while the other partner’s slightest indiscretion or miscalculation could always be expected to be innocently, indirectly, unfortunately, exposed, then magnified disproportionately in the eyes of the couple’s mutual acquaintances, family, co-workers and friends. How sad that one partner would seem almost mythical, magical, majestic, while being so burdened by the unimaginable failure he so valiantly “loves.”
No, no one would ever consider that the crazy criminal kook was issuing a cry for help, or that the charming, handsome messianic guy he shared his political house with was trying to push him down the steps in front of company.
And get away with it.
Rahm Emanuel
